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Recording events that are important in my spiritual growth... Listed in reverse order (newest on top). email me at doug@hardts.net 9/30/00: Ok, so it is a quarterly diary. It appears we will lose another family member too young. Our faith is perhaps the only thing that keeps us going. "Thy will, not mine" is becoming a mantra. I also fall back on something I felt before accepting Jesus in my life - if you truly believe in "life after death", what happens in this life has much less importance. When you were slapped at birth - it helped you (or attempted to) but it seemed rude, painful and annoying at the time (and now it is meaningless). If death is the birth process to a new life - is the pain associated with it important? I pray that we accept whatever happens and learn to live life fully NOW.
I thank God for the improvements in my life that have happened through
His grace. Responding to God's call has saved my life, my
marriage, my career and what is left of my sanity. It has exposed
me to so much beauty and goodness. It has made me look at myself,
see the many things that need work and yet not hate myself for my
inadequacies. I am learning how little I know. Bob will quote an Old Testament section that had no meaning for me and show that there are layers of meaning to be gleaned. A church class or religious book will show me whole new areas to ponder and reconsider. 6/9/00: Guess my "monthly" diary is a bit out of date... My pastor (Bob Harris) has recommended patience - something I sorely need. He made me laugh at my problem by mimicking a prayer - "Dear Lord, grant me patience - and hurry up!". He's recommended some interesting reading - "Active Spirituality" by Kent Ira Groff, "Please Understand Me" and "Will and Spirit". I'm looking at the concept of being reborn - of letting parts of me die so that new areas can grow - of giving up "attachments". 3/24/00: Guess my "weekly" diary is a bit out of date... Praise God for the blessings of the past year! The lessons learned over the last several years were certainly painful but brought me to God and to a new ambition for a fuller life. Recent breakthroughs successively knocked out the pain and most of the anxiety. Now I can start work on becoming the person God intended me to be. I finished the Old Testament (except for Psalms, which I decided to read over a longer period of time). The church website (www.trinityarlington.org) is up and work on it continues. The death of our friend Ann Bixby earlier this week was very hard. She finally reached out for help but it was too late. As I forgive her for depriving us of her wit, intelligence and smile, I pray she is with God and forgives me for not aggressively helping her. Do not wait to share your love and concerns with those you love and worry about - it is better to be rejected than to wonder what might have been... 1/1/00:
Happy New Year! Hope this year is spiritually rewarding for you
and all you love. It was another up and down month in
December. Attending both Christmas Eve services this year - cannot
remember the last time I attended a service on Christmas Eve...
That was a delightful evening... On the downside - physically I've
been a wreck and a cycle is plaguing me. I feel like my faith
should reduce "anxiety attack" symptoms, but I'm not living my
faith as I should be - causing guilt, guilt makes it more likely that
I'll be in pain, pain makes it harder to act on my faith.
Sigh... Pray for me... I do believe that things will get
better and I know that all the pain of the last 2+ years is both
self-imposed and good for me in the long run... My Bible reading
is down but I resolve to get back to it. 12/1/99: "Sorry I have not written lately..." - title of a Roger Miller album after a long drought... The last month has had very good days and very bad days. My faith is growing and my involvement with the church is increasing. I still wrestle with conceits and weaknesses that keep me from accomplishing what I should be doing. I still get angry with myself often - but do not respond to that anger by improving myself. Finally made it through Chronicles - I am into Isaiah now and I find that the Bible reading does help... Working on a
church website - will post when I actually release changes. The
site (currently unchanged for 6 months) is www.trinityarlington.org.
If you see a church and an "enter" button on the first page -
I haven't changed anything significant. (Enter buttons for pages that do
not require warnings are tedious!) I have to be careful not to
become a burden on Pastor Bob or the rest of those who have expressed
some interest in the site - most are encouraging but lack either time,
motivation or sufficient training. I do care about doing a good
job though - there are 60-80 regular visitors per month and one
can imagine a variety of ways the Internet could facilitate church
purposes. I have been dumping a lot of questions back on the group
(church members with an interest in our website) because I worry
(perhaps overmuch) about creating controversy... I am nervous about my first upcoming act of service - helping at a Habitat for Humanity day. I hope it works out - would be nice to be able to donate something other than just a check! 11/2/99: A dark day. I get frustrated with my continued weakness. On the other hand, a meeting at church to look forward to. Need to get back to Bible reading - but Chronicles are boring (repetitive and name/place intensive)! May just skim them. 10/30/99: A good week - I try to give the Lord more control over my life and see the rewards. Three days in a row feeling healthier than I have in a long time... Service on 10/24 was back to normal and felt good. Started work on the church's web site - should be interesting. 10/17/99: Service in a gym - building fund (Celebration) Sunday. Our church has lots of delightful children. We skipped the lunch afterwards. We attended adult Sunday school before the service - I was disappointed. They are reading a very interesting book ("Reaching Out") but the conversation was not inspiring - I may try another class. I miss "normal" service - Sunday was disappointing... On the other hand, Sunday night provided an interesting experience... We discussed the new/old variations on the Atkins diet that's getting so much press. As I listened, it struck me how strong people's "faith" in whatever diet "science" they had accumulated. People will talk as if they know that wine is good for you or fructose is as bad for you as sucrose or whatever. Things, even counter-intuitive things, are taken as "gospel" because some study indicated a possibility. It seemed sad and strange. No one would have spoken as authoritatively about their spiritual / religious "facts". 10/10/99: We were welcomed as new members and they threw a little reception after service for the 8 new members. Next week there is no 8:30 service as we meet in the "gym" for a celebration service. They hope to retire the building fund debt... 10/3/99: We accepted and were accepted into our new church! This was a World Wide Communion service - which led to both humor and seriousness. We arrived slightly late and the sermon started in Spanish (? I think) - I worried that perhaps we had missed something and were attending a foreign language service! The serious part is that several of our friends are going through tough times and we do not know how to help them... The positive side is that we learned more about how we can get involved in the church and next week we will be introduced as new members. I thank God that we have started down the path we are on and pray for His continued help. 9/28/99: A delightful and personally useful sermon on forgiveness and reconciliation. One of the reasons that Christianity rings true and wins converts is the power of love and forgiveness. Yet, as we go through our day-to-day lives, we accumulate resentments. We "know" that we are treating others better than they are treating us. We take offense at the actions of others even if the actions are not directed at us. The passages that the minister used were primarily directed at forgiving Christian brethren - but he extended the concept to address all manner of perceived debts. We read Matthew 18:21-35 where Jesus tells the tale of the servant who was forgiven a huge debt yet refused to forgive a much smaller debt. After service, we attended our third meeting and learned of the history of the Presbyterian church. I came away with two things: the church maintains a watch on the clergy by having equal representation in running the various levels of church organizations and the fractious history of the church probably explains the inclusive nature of the current incarnation. It was interesting... 9/22/99: A breakthrough day for me. I woke with a sore throat after sleeping quite late and decided to stay home sick. I wasn't feeling well and stayed in bed for a long time - then I started feeling better and an intense feeling of calm settled on me. I got a picture of how Jesus wants me to live my life and it looks so beautiful! I saw the suffering that some of my friends are going through and how I could help. I saw all the changes that I wanted to make in myself can only happen with His help. I am ready to put myself in His hands - to live the way He wants me to live. I know (and hope) that spiritual growth is a daily responsibility and that I will undoubtedly continue to sin and need forgiveness - but I feel a strength and a hope that was not there yet... The last pillar on which to build a foundation is in place. I confess my sins, I accept Jesus as my Savior and Lord and, finally, I'm putting Him in control of my life... Praise God!!! 9/19/99: Fund-raising to pay off building debt - so the sermon was somewhat skewed to address that issue. The readings addressed the "golden calf" of Exodus and the idea that we often end up worshipping the wrong things. The idea was that the addition to the church, evidently somewhat contentious, must be used to serve God's purpose or might be another golden calf. The sermon didn't do much for me until we attended the 2nd of our "inquiries" - 4 meetings with the goal of becoming church members. In that meeting, many of my concerns were addressed - literal interpretation of the Bible is not required, in fact, the minister spoke of his own belief that both creationists and evolutionists have it wrong. Further, he said the Presbyterian church had taken a stance in favor of some gun control and that he personally believed in universal salvation. But talking after the meeting, Kathleen helped me see that the Presbyterian approach of allowing disparate views was really in keeping with the sermon - that worshipping the wrong things (clinging to one's own views) can keep one from God. That really brought matters full circle. I am convinced this is the right denomination for me at this point... I am nervous at the prospect of getting a new minister though... 9/12/99:
Another baby-step. Today we attended one of four
"inquiries" or classes, starting the process of joining
Trinity Church. My prayers last week were answered when Kathleen
joined me. The sermon today was on Transforming Events - perhaps
this was directed at the new members. There are about 10 of us -
real nice people. Back to the sermon - we read Romans 12:1-8
(actually 1-11) and Matthew 16:13-20. The Bible I am reading
differs greatly in Romans, leaving out some words that the minister
emphasized - perhaps I should switch to another translation... I
really like Romans 12:9-11 "Don't just pretend that you love
others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Stand on
the side of the good. Love each other with genuine affection, and
take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy in your work,
but serve the Lord enthusiastically." 9/5/99: Again, not the "standard" minister - a trainee who did a good job. I remain impressed by the congregation though the sermon did not move me as much as previous visits. I particularly like the mission information that is a part of every service - this is a congregation that shares with its brethren. My current intention is to go ahead and join the church. 8/29/99:
Two weeks in a row for the first time since I was a child!
Completely different service this time (possibly because it was to be
followed by the annual church picnic). No minister - the service
was centered around music and the sermon delivered by an educator.
Children performed several songs and were delightful. The sermon
was based on the story of Jesus walking on water (Matthew 14:22-33
compare with Mark 6:45-52). Matthew has Peter join Jesus but start
to sink for lack of faith - Mark emphasizes the failure of the disciples
"They were astonished at what they saw. They still didn't
understand the significance of the miracle of the multiplied loaves, for
their hearts were hard and they did not believe". Church is particularly important to me as I read the OT - the joy of the NT is many weeks away! 8/22/99: Attended
church for
something other than a wedding or funeral for the second time in at
least fifteen years. Kept crying at various points... The sermon
was excellent - relevant, calling for action, good use of Bible
passages...
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